mai khush hu..par kya tum khush ho..
jaanta hu..ek din aega..jab ye sab bahot yaad aega..
par us din..ham ham nahi honge..hamare gam..ye gam nahi honge..
wo sapna..jise hamne janm diya tha sapno me..wo mar chuka hoga..
koi aur hame ham hi se alag kar ke..
apna chuka hoga..hamari jagah le chuka hoga..
wo din bhi aega..jab hame hamari taaqat ke na hone ka ehsas hoga..
jab hame apni zindagi, kisi aur ke raaste me khone ka ehsas hoga..
raaste to phir bhi jaane pehchane se lagenge..
par manzile kahi peechhe chhoot chuki hongi..
aur yu hi ham bina kisi manzil ke..raasta banate chale jaenge..
kabhi khud ko samjhaenge..kabhi in sari yaado ko juthlaenge..
ab to shayad wo waqt bhi nikal gaya..jab ham wapas mud sakte..
ab shayad ham phir se..kabhi nahi jud sakte..
mann me kaduahat aur zehen me baukhlahat si hai..
bhale hi buniyad toot gayi ho..par chaahat abhi bhi dabi si hai..
abhi bhi gam ki raat me subah ka intezar hai..
par parde ke peechhe subah bhi to sharmsaar hai..
dard hai..par dukhta nahi hai ab..
bhala bejan rooh ka..badan se kya matlab..
ye sach hai ki tumse zindagi khushrang thi..
tumhari khushiya mere jeene ki umang thi..
ab ye umang amar ho gayi hai..
meri prarthnao me..meri kaamnao me sirf tumhari khushi hai..
kabhi to tum yaad karogi na mujhe..
wo yaadein hi bas apne naam kar lunga..
tumhe haar ke..tumhari khushiyo ko jeet lunga..
kar lo chaahe jitna bhi badnam tum..
tumhara naam phir bhi apne naam se jod ke rakhunga..
mujhe gam nahi tumhare saath na hone ka..
tumhari yaadein hain mere saath hamesha..
kabhi ehsas ho..to bas ek baar mann se baat kar lena..
akele me apne andar base hue un sare palo ka ehsas kar lena..
yaad hi sahi..kuchh to tumhe batakar tumhe de paya hu mai..
kaha himmat padi kabhi ki tumhe bata pau..tum se kya paya hu mai..
wapas aana kabhi..to kuchh aur baate karenge..
jo kasar poori nahi kar pae samajhne me..wo bhi poori kar lenge..
dost bankar hi sahi..thoda aur jee lenge..thoda aur mar lenge..
intezar rahega us din ka..par tab tak ye aasu bhi khushi se pee lenge..
ham kisi tarah jee lenge..ham kisi tarah jee lenge..

love..

when do you know that you really love..
when you feel you are the same soul as your loved one..
when you do everything n loose your own identity for love..
when you compromise on everything of your choice to make your loved one happy..
when you remain silent however hurt you are..just to see your loved one happy..
when you part with the one you know you cant survive without..
when you just pray that your loved one always remains happy...even if he/she has stabbed you to death..
i dont know what is right or wrong..im just following..

well, i dont know what i am going to write today. just want to write.
somethings in life are really worth experiencing. like for example..when you know that you cant live without something, n u r engrossed in the feeling, n suddenly that thing gets cut off from you..
its a mixed feeling..a happiness, that something got independent of your dependence...n a feeling that its hard to survive..even if that means curbing the independence..
a feeling that a "moh" has ended..and at the same time a feeling that this "moh" can never die..
another example of the same kind is...when you feel that you are flooded with thoughts n responsibilities...n u come to know suddenly.. that you have lost..that you were never responsible enough..
its hard to experience...but the feeling overwhelms you when you have been through it..

aisi kya khata ki thi maine ..
jo meri zindagi yu phisal gayi..
mere be-panaah pyar ki roshni se..
shayad mere hi pyar ki chita jal gayi..
pyar bhi kiya to kya kiya maine..
mere hi haatho se meri zindagi nikal gayi..
jab samjha pyar hai aseemit aur apaar..
tab hi ek chhoti si chingari aag me badal gayi..
kya pata tha..meri hi taaqat mujhe nisto naboot kar degi..
jo aag jalayi zindagi ko roshan karne ke liye..
wahi aag zindagi ko shamshan me badal gayi..

again the dark night is here..

again it has brought some unanswered questions..

life has become as dark as the night itself..

it would have been so better if i was away..

it seems as if first time in life..

im not able to bear the screams of the silence inside me..

i am craving for something..

which was more dear to me..than my own self..

i wish i could portray my thoughts to the person concerned..

but i can not..

not because i feel that my respect would be lost..

but because if i do try...i might under value her decision..

as it is i have done a lot to hurt..

so now let me endure the hurt...

instead of sharing it..

atleast there would be some less hurt for her..

God, i pray...be there...ur needed badly..

show us the way..

even if i try to

im unable to

become as normal as i want to

n that in itself has complications too

without a solution, to turn to

i dont know where my life is heading to

but to open my eyes n see, i dont know whether i want to

im just doing wat life wants me to

im just following the path blindly which God wants me to

may be that is the actual thing right now to turn to

i miss u..

n i know that u miss me too

but why is this happening which is happening, i dont know too..

in search..

i sometimes wonder why i have grown. it was so much better to be a child.  i remember people use to tell me that its really good to be in your age, coz u r free of so much stress n worries. n i used to think, its so much better to be an adult. u can discuss things, u can be logical, u can live your own life, without any limitation or boundations . i used to think that when we grow up, we dont need to ask anyone, we can just do what our mind says. n now that ive grown up, i feel the total opposite. its so much better to be a kid. atleast people dont expect you to be a grown up when u r a child. im seeing now how my relationships are tumbling down like a castle of cards. n the reason is, coz ive grown up. coz now i try to logically define relationships. n even if i dont, expectations of my near n dear ones, from me as an adult, is killing the relationship gradually. n in all this while, what ive blundered most severely is my loss of soulmate. I shouldnt have grown to an age where one tends to find a soulmate in someone else, other than his own self or God. N when this dream of his breaks, he is totally left shattered. n for this sole reason i feel, it was so much better to be a kid. u get along with other girls n guys so casually. so beautifully. theres no heart break or hurt. u just play, have fun n forget. there r really less emotional attachments, less sharing of feelings etc etc. but when we grow up, the situation changes. this same casual n fun giving friendship changes to an emotional bond. n if a person is pure at heart, n not playful, he suffers. this is not just a case of one life or one culture. i feel in every persons life, this stage comes, at the time of transition from a kid to an adult. n then, some get along with it in a positive way, n the rest move on. 

anyways, i just wish, i could again become a child. if not physically, then atleast mentally. i wont mind then, if people start calling me mentally disabled. because its high time that i listened to everyone. now i want to be just me.

still in search of me..

 

my world seems to be in darkness..

there's just pain, helplessness n emptiness..

whichever way i turn to.. 

there's just blackness..

may be because im scared to open my eyes..

to let go off the wetness..

i am just enjoying my loneliness..

i am actually loving my loneliness..

i just pray that i dont have to pay..

but then, im prepared too for that roughness..

its a feeling of lifelessness..

so much of unsaid unheard harass..

im learning the experiences of barrenness..

im enjoying the fruits of emptiness..

disturbed chaotic unsettled emptiness..

my health doesnt show...

im not unwell or unhappy..

but im facing a peculiar illness..

my soul n body have decided to discontinue the oneness..

yet there's no confusion, but an everlasting stillness..

im watching my life go by..

unlike so many others, i dont feel the restlessness..

I AM JUST HAPPILY BEING A PART OF THIS UNWANTED MESS..

helpless, ashamed, afraid, alone..

what do i feel?

its become a joke..

i actually have options to select from..

its not imaginary this time..its real..

dont know what i did was what?

dont wana predict my life..

let it be this way..

i dont want anymore hurt n dismay..

leave me alone..

n let me experience..

my solitude..

sambhal kar chal ae dil..

is raah pe kayi pathar milenge..

kuchh kaanto ke daldal milenge..

jisme doob ke jana hoga..

kuchh kaanto ke dil milenge..

jinko dil se lagana hoga..

chubhe to chillana mat..

agar chillaya to log sun lenge..

aur ye log apne janmo ke kasayi hain..

tumhe phansi chadha denge..

par tu darna mat..

zindagi me kuchh tajurbe aise bhi hain..

jo un sab dard se aur bhi zada sukhdayi honge..

aise sukh..jo ki ishwar ne bheje hain..

bas..tum chalte rehna..muskurate rehna..

zindagi yuhi beet jaegi..

aur jab zindagi ke ant me ishwar milenge..

to unse apne sukh ke liye shukriya karna..

aur dukh ke liye kaamna..

jisse ki tumhare dukh..un dukho ko kam kar de..

jo tumhare jaise kayi aur dilo ko milenge..

ae dil, tum akele nahi ho..

mai hu saath..

tumhare su-hrid ne tumhe chhod diya to kya..

tumhare Ishwar tumhe kayi aur dilo me milenge..

dhoondh lo un dilo ko..

aur bas..apne sneh se..har lo..jeet lo Ishwar ko..

mai hu saath..

bas tumhare liye..

a conversation with myself..

what dreams are you talking about..

a bunch of humorous jokes..

theres no such thing as bounded love..

no wishes, no desires, no hopes..

its no better than burning in hell..

bounded by blood stained spiky ropes..

you are doomed to live this way..

for mercy theres no scope..

you better die than live..

but living too would be no lesser than dying..

so you live or die..

it wont be a different show..

however heart broken, injured and hurt you may be..

your injuries wont have an end..

till the time you are cut to pieces..

your life wont apprehend..

just go on living, n crying for pity..

remember if u show it through emotions..

you would loose your serenity..

all the best for your living death..

may your soul be never at rest..

i got more than i deserved..

yet i did, what i shouldnt..

y dont i understand..

im not in heaven..its earth..

there arent angels here..

never can they be..

tear open my eyes God,

make me see..

for how many times more would i endure..

let there be an end..

this inhumane world is killing me..

may b this is my destiny..

ill succumb to my own pains..

ill drown n die in my own tears..

i am a useless dustbin..so u can throw me easily..i wont mind..

i have been thrown earlier too..n will be thrown in future again..

just throw me..i wont feel hurt..

i wont feel anything..throw me hard..

how does it matter to anyone..

how does it matter to me..

play with me..n throw me..

i dont have a heart...nor a mind to think..

i dont have a mouth..nor an ear to hear..

curse me..bash me..push me away..

but for Gods sake..once n for all..

end it.

i felt so calm after a walk..
speechless n still..
as if all the roar has subsided down deep inside..
as if all the heaviness flowed down through my eyes..
so many expectations n thoughts just vanished..
a silent river started flowing in me..
a river which has no directions..
yet its moving on..
it could climb high mountains now..
or fall though great valleys..
theres no sound...now..
its just breathing slowly..
i love this feeling..
as i am getting dissolved in it..
i am accepting myself to my surroundings..
i felt so calm after a walk..

what does one feel..when he is suddenly stranded..
when everything seems to be going so good..
but then suddenly feels ended..
when a communion used to be formed..
yet suddenly one is left shocked n stunned..
when a balance that used to be maintained is ruined..
i miss that support of my soul..
i miss the person who made me whole..
when we had equal rights, then how did just one sided decision preceded..
why was the harmony that we shared receded..
ill wait for the consortium to again be formed..
ill wait for the moment when silence would be stormed..
when things would get better than before..
when there would be calm winds replacing the roar..

what did i do,
did i complicate my life,
or did i ease it..

did i put my self in slump again,
or did i release it..

am i really happy about it,
or am i lying to myself..

am i helping myself,
or do i desperately need help..

all i know is..
i miss you more badly than i think i do..
May God always keep you happy..

a silent day inside..
jubilating sounds of birthday outside..

numbness inside..
dead feelings outside..

many unanswered questions inside..
peace n calmness outside..

distance inside..
concord outside..

rumbling inside..
fumbling outside..

lost everything inside..
loosing grounds outside..

being away..

is it the truth unveiling its identity
or is it the devil in me boasting itself

what should i feel
should i feel happy on this occasion?
or should i just nurture the thought of my loss?


i dont know
i am just lost
and i am liking it

i am liking my being..away..

just a song but true..

chupke se kahin, dheeme paanv se
jaane kis taraf, kis ghadi
aage badh gaye hamse raahon mein
par tum toh abhi the yahin
kuchh bhi na suna, kab ka tha gila
kaise keh diya alvida

jinke darmiya guzri thi abhi
kal tak yeh meri zindagi
dono baahon ko, thandi chaanv ko
hum bhi kar chale alvida
alvida, alvida, meri raahein alvida
meri saansein kehti hain, alvida
alvida, alvida, ab kehna aur kya
jab tune keh diya, alvida

sunle bekhabar, yun aankhein pher kar aaj tu chali ja
dhundegi nazar humko hi magar har jagah
aisi raaton mein leke karvate, yaad hamein karna
aur phir haar kar kehna kyun magar, keh diya alvida alvida
koi puchhe toh zara, kya socha aur kaha alvida
alvida, alvida, abb kehna aur kya
jab tune keh diya, alvida

ham the dil jale, phir bhi dil kahe
kaash mere sang aaj hote tum agar, hoti har dagar gulsita
tumse hai khafa, hum naaraaz hai, dil hai pareshaan
socha na suna tune kyun bhala keh diya alvida alvida
koi puchhe toh zara, kya socha aur kaha alvida
alvida, alvida, abb kehna aur kya
jab tune keh diya, alvida

i dont want to think anymore..
i dont want to experiment anymore..

i want to be just me now..
i just dont want to depend on anyone somehow..

dont ask me to be calm..
dont try to put any comforting balm..

if you really wana help me..
just leave me alone and free me..

listen..

do you hear it?

do you hear the rumbling inside?

what does it say?

does it tell you to live, or to suicide?

do you feel numb?

ha, how sarcastic..

we dont even have control over our feelings..

helpless...

its so strange sometimes. when the person u want to talk to is just in front of you, when the dream you want to make come true is in front of you, n yet you back off. from deep inside a feeling comes n overcomes you to not do what you most want to do. your inner self feels so much scared to be hurt again that you dont feel like doing anything at all. somebody has said rightly, one who doesnt take a risk, never actually does anything new in his life. but for me, im just too scared. im too weak. risking it for the people whom i love, i cant do it. im happy to keep feeling hurt, to keep feeling the pain, rather than taking the risk of hurting my loved ones ever in future.
after all this, i am still lost, still helpless. i have been under the shadow for long. facing the naked sunlight again is hurting me. but now, i have to learn to fight it. i cant go on searching for shadows. for sometime it does sooth you. but ultimately the brunt of the pain has to be undergone by me alone. so just leme be...however helpless i be..

dard hai,
aasu hain,
ehsas hai,
tanhayi hai.

ek bhara hua dil hai,
ek soona mann hai,
ek bejaan dimag hai,
sookha adhmara badan hai.

kabhi wapas jud jaane ka vishwas,
kabhi ek anant khamoshi ka ehsas,
mann me kabhi na thamne wali halchal,
zehen me sab kuchh kho dene ka abhaas.

khamoshi bhi cheekhti hai,
mann ki cheekhe sunayi nahi deti,
dil ki dhadkan tadap me badal gayi hai,
saanse kotuhal sa machati rehti hain.

jo dil chahta hai, wo dimag manta nahi,
khud se khud hi alag ho gaya hu,
apni khushi ke liye, apno ki khushi qurban karu,
aisa mai nahi.

chalta ja raha hu,
bas chalte jana hai,
jaha Ishwar le jaye,
ab wahi bas mera thikana hai..

are you there?

i see you there
yet i dont

i know you are there
yet you are not

i talk to you
yet i dont talk at all

i touch you
without any presence at all

i feel you within me
but i am not alive

i want to be with you
but i dont exist

why do i feel that you are there
when i know that you are not

i dont know what is real
and what, a dream

i am made to feel
theres only me, no you

there was always just me
no you

if i were given a chance
i would want to know

do you really exist
were you ever there..

come into my world..

you have been enduring me for long
you have been steady n strong

you stood by me when i needed support
you understood me when i lost my rapport

you gave me strength to go on
you confided in me even when i was wrong

but i kept on believing on my false intuitions
and kept on delving in unwanted, hurting situations

now the time has come, when i have lost it all
i know i dont have a right to say now, but still
please take me to your world
where i could make up for my fall

take me wherever you want to
just take me away
i dont want to be here any more
take me, i pray

i lost communication with you
when i got in touch with her
her,
whom i considered my soulmate
my fate
my destiny
my life to be
never realized what the result would be

my soul
i miss you now
i miss that time which i should have spent with you
in solitude
it was you whom i was searching for
it was you who could have made me more pure

take me away from this world
where emotions dont have any meaning
where feelings are just mere mood swings

take me away
ill follow
this world is crippling me slowly
save me from the poison each day i swallow

my soul
let the pain subside for sometime
take me to a place
where i can reside in peace for sometime

take out life from me
make me numb, free me

i pray to you
take me away
come soon
give me strength to endure the pain
each day..

amiss..

That time has gone,
when things went good,
now there are just nightmares,
and an unfriendly mood.

What wrong did i do,
where did i leave an open end,
i just want to yell out to the sky,
is there no way to mend.

I still have that image of her in my mind,
may be that was the reason that she left,
because her image in my mind, made me blind,
n i could not see her in reality, getting distressed.

Life can never be perfect,
it has to go on like this,
n now i want to be in this mess,
i want to be amiss.

this is not poetry..

U have never loved me.
U have only loved the image U have had, of me.
Since the time U were young, U had dreamed that Ur dream should have certain qualities.
U found them in me and stopped your quest.
Ur image of perfection was complete.
It was so complete, that U looked for no bad qualities, and never found them.
Or they stared at Ur face, and U let go.
What U perceived, reigned supreme.
That pure, ethereal image took over U.
And U were helpless.
Like any worldly person would think in such a situation, U also thought.
And believed, to think.
And thought, to believe.
That U are in love.
With me.
That Ur heart is flowing out with praise, admiration and respect.
For me.
But no.
It was an image of mine Ur mind had taken to.
Not me.
It was a perception of mine U were in love with.
Not me.
Once that changed, all else changed.

Angels became demons.
Demons became angels.

Angels and demons.

Friends became strangers.
Strangers became friends.

Friends and strangers.

U said that I had changed.
But it was only Ur perception of me that had changed.

No.
U have never ever loved me.
U have only loved the image u have had, of me…………………….


...written by amrita sabat

...

Is the day beautiful today..
or is it just a day..
passing by as the others do..
unstoppable..
even if they try to..
i wish i could just be a day..
which could pass by..
a lot of times unnoticed..
just in a routine..
i really dont want to be seen..
i cant erase my identity..
or mould my destiny..
but i can just go on living..
without uttering..
my eyes hurt..
as they want to cry but they cant..
because i dont want to do anything..
i just want to experience the stillness..
the silence within me..
whining n calling me..
its alone..
it wants to be with me..
to moan..
oh i wish so badly..
to be with that silence..
to feel the acute pain..
which has arisen in me somewhere..
eating me up..
making me exhausted..
i wish i could.
be just a silence..