i have seen my dreams die
i have seen the moments fly
when all that could have been true
washes off to something i never wanted to
when every calm breath
burns catching fire
when every peaceful thought
turns to an irresistible ire
when each drop of tear
causes irreparable deep sear
i look down to those days
when everyone seemed to be in a good phase
when harmony n happiness echoed
when life was a blessed abode
let this silence sink in for a while
let me observe n accept this time, n its guile
with every moment gone by
i wail silently for my dreams, to see them die
Friday, January 30, 2009
ye kahani hai ek phool ki. ek phool jo jab khila tha, to sab uske diwane ho gaye the. jaise ki sara sansar khilkhila utha ho. uska chehra jo bhi dekh leta, wo parmatm prapt kar leta. aisi shanti, aisa chaitanya, jo har kisi ko behla de. andhere me,jab use koi dekh na paye, us waqt bhi wo apni khushboo se poora vatavaran pavitra banata rehta. kitne hi bhavre, kitni hi titliyo ko apne pyar ke rang me daal deta tha.
ek din ek maali aya, aur us phool ko todne laga. us phool ko bahot dard hua, khoob roya, par maali ne kaha, wo use ek aur achhi jagah laga dega, jaha wo phool apne aapko Bhagwanji ke charno me paega. phool ne haste haste sare dukh seh liye. use maali ne Bhagwan ki moorti ke samne laga diya. thode din beet gaye. Bhagwanji ne us phool ko apaar, aseemit pyar diya, aur pavitra bana diya. Par wo phool, galti se, us patthar ko hi Bhagwan samajhne laga. Bhagwan ne use bahot samjhaya, har tarah se use dikhane ki koshish ki, ki jis patthar ko wo Bhagwan samajh raha hai, wo sirf ke sansarik vastu hai, Bhagwan to sarvyapi, sarvagya hain. wo is "physical" boundation se bahot upar hain. par ye baat phool ko samajh me aane me der ho gayi. us phool ko Bhagwan ke charno se hata diya gaya. ab uski jagah ek chattaan pe nishchit ho gayi. phool ne phirse apni jade basa li. phir se wo hara bhara ho gaya. par dheere dheere phool ko chattan se sneh hone laga. wo ye samajhne laga ki chattaan hi Bhagwan hai. itna taqatwar hai chattaan, ki koi use hara nahi sakta, koi use mita nahi sakta. use kya pata tha, ki is chattan se pyar karne ki saza me wo ek din, isi ke neeche dab ke mar jaega. ek din jab toofan aya, chattaan ke neeche ki zameen hil gayi. aur chattaan palat gayi. phool uske neeche dab ke mar gaya. apni antim saans tak jisko usne apna Bhagwan samjha, usne khud hi us phool ko maar diya.
ek din ek maali aya, aur us phool ko todne laga. us phool ko bahot dard hua, khoob roya, par maali ne kaha, wo use ek aur achhi jagah laga dega, jaha wo phool apne aapko Bhagwanji ke charno me paega. phool ne haste haste sare dukh seh liye. use maali ne Bhagwan ki moorti ke samne laga diya. thode din beet gaye. Bhagwanji ne us phool ko apaar, aseemit pyar diya, aur pavitra bana diya. Par wo phool, galti se, us patthar ko hi Bhagwan samajhne laga. Bhagwan ne use bahot samjhaya, har tarah se use dikhane ki koshish ki, ki jis patthar ko wo Bhagwan samajh raha hai, wo sirf ke sansarik vastu hai, Bhagwan to sarvyapi, sarvagya hain. wo is "physical" boundation se bahot upar hain. par ye baat phool ko samajh me aane me der ho gayi. us phool ko Bhagwan ke charno se hata diya gaya. ab uski jagah ek chattaan pe nishchit ho gayi. phool ne phirse apni jade basa li. phir se wo hara bhara ho gaya. par dheere dheere phool ko chattan se sneh hone laga. wo ye samajhne laga ki chattaan hi Bhagwan hai. itna taqatwar hai chattaan, ki koi use hara nahi sakta, koi use mita nahi sakta. use kya pata tha, ki is chattan se pyar karne ki saza me wo ek din, isi ke neeche dab ke mar jaega. ek din jab toofan aya, chattaan ke neeche ki zameen hil gayi. aur chattaan palat gayi. phool uske neeche dab ke mar gaya. apni antim saans tak jisko usne apna Bhagwan samjha, usne khud hi us phool ko maar diya.
A discussion about love
What is love?
• The first n foremost thing that comes to mind is, love is a feeling of being without expectations. A true love means giving without expectations. At the same time, if a doctor loves his profession, it doesn’t mean that he should not charge his patients for the operation or consultation. If he loves his profession, his first intention should not be money. If he gets money in turn of his services, then its right. He deserves it. Same goes for every situation. First intention of love should not be expectations. It should be just giving love.
• Loving does not happen by flowing into emotions. If a person loves, due to the fact that emotions control him/her, then its not actually love.
• Love never demands. it is more of acceptance in totality rather than demanding or changing.
• If its really love, then each moment, one feels developed n improved. Theres a kind of motivation to do something in life. Theres an encouragement to move on the right path in life. In love, one feels eternally strong. Theres no deterioration of any form.
• Love brings along playfulness. In love we tend to work more, we tend to innovate more, we tend to be creative
• if a situation comes, in which we need a change in someone, or in circumstances, we should not try to change it personally. We should pray to God for that change. In this process,meditation n courses like REIKI or pranik healing play an important role.
• It should be noted that our behavior, is in turn result of our prarabdh. We get those kind of situations, those kind of circumstances, which could lead to some event, which is a result of our prarabdh.
• Theres only one thing which can make everything right. This is the bhakti sutra.
• Anything which attracts at first is a form of depreciation. So to say, love if caused by attraction, then it wont last long. Anything which is formed by attraction never lasts long. For eg- this world. Every worldly thing attracts. But never lasts.
• when we think of different forms of love, we should understand that all these forms of love when combined together, when taken as a whole, would then be equivalent to how much the Almighty loves us.
Now apart from all these points we should understand that if we give our love undoubtedly, unboundedly, without expectations, to all of our relationships, in every way (meaning to say, to our parents, to our relatives, to our friends, to our special someone etc etc) then all the people involved would dissolve, n in the end, we would be able to understand, that in all these different forms, there was only one who was giving love to us, which is Almighty God. Its like, if we put together droplets of water, steam, ice n normal water, then we would see, that in the end, everything dissolves, only water remains, which in turn evaporates into air.Same ways all our relationships in the end dissolve into one Almighty.To understand this only, in olden ages people use to send their wards to gurukul, where all this kind of teachings were taught n a child was made ready to face the world, after understanding the basic concepts. Keeping all that apart, n talking in practical terms, one can easily understand that any relationship which breaks the natural flow of thoughts, which breaks the concentration from our lives to other things, actually depreciates our capabilities. N hence actually deteriorates our identities. This ways we are not only hurting ourselves, but also the Almighty who created us for some reason.
Maya is considered to be maha thagni. The reason is, as we know, there are three kind of character traits – rajogun, tamogun n satogun. While in rajogun, one is attracted towards maya due to “ichha” or “alasya” or expectations. While in tamogun, one is attracted due to bad habbits n addictions. N while in satogun, one is attracted due to the feeling of over confidence, or pride, or ahem. So however a person be, maya is always eligible to encapsulate one in its attractions.
“Seedhi baat hamesha seedhi baat hoti hai”. Theres no if n but in it. Theres no complexity in it. For eg- if your stomach is upset, it wont digest anything. Its clear n loud. Theres no if n but. This is how the creation of God is. Clear n transparent. Theres no complexity. It is how it is. N love is the same thing. Clear. Transparent. That is what its pure form is. Nothing hidden. Wherever anything hidden comes in, that means its not anymore pure.
This attraction towards depreciating things is ahenkar. Pride. When this feeling comes in love looses its purity. Also here one thing should be noted, that any pure n true relationship, is always true. There never comes any point of doubt, or complex situations. N if any relationship isn’t this way, then its never true. Its said, whats right is always right. Whats not, never was. This can only come when our belief in the Almighty is head strong. Any kind of psycho weakness, or depression is the result of lack of concentration, lack of understanding, n lack of satsang towards God. Satsang doesn’t only means reading some holy book. Satsang means walking on the path of truth, doing positive n good things, by which many are benefitted. Satsang means being in a company of good n true hearted people.
We always blame God for whatever is happening with us. We say God doesn’t do things for us. We just have to understand, that God has done everything for us. Its now our turn to do things for us. He has given us everything that we need for our self betterment. The thing is we just have to realize n work for our own betterment. But we still wait for God to do something for us.
Coming back to love, the only thing we should understand is, truth would always be truth, even if we don’t want it to be. A true relationship would always remain a true relationship, even if we don’t want it to be. True love never ends. If it ends, it never was true.
• The first n foremost thing that comes to mind is, love is a feeling of being without expectations. A true love means giving without expectations. At the same time, if a doctor loves his profession, it doesn’t mean that he should not charge his patients for the operation or consultation. If he loves his profession, his first intention should not be money. If he gets money in turn of his services, then its right. He deserves it. Same goes for every situation. First intention of love should not be expectations. It should be just giving love.
• Loving does not happen by flowing into emotions. If a person loves, due to the fact that emotions control him/her, then its not actually love.
• Love never demands. it is more of acceptance in totality rather than demanding or changing.
• If its really love, then each moment, one feels developed n improved. Theres a kind of motivation to do something in life. Theres an encouragement to move on the right path in life. In love, one feels eternally strong. Theres no deterioration of any form.
• Love brings along playfulness. In love we tend to work more, we tend to innovate more, we tend to be creative
• if a situation comes, in which we need a change in someone, or in circumstances, we should not try to change it personally. We should pray to God for that change. In this process,meditation n courses like REIKI or pranik healing play an important role.
• It should be noted that our behavior, is in turn result of our prarabdh. We get those kind of situations, those kind of circumstances, which could lead to some event, which is a result of our prarabdh.
• Theres only one thing which can make everything right. This is the bhakti sutra.
• Anything which attracts at first is a form of depreciation. So to say, love if caused by attraction, then it wont last long. Anything which is formed by attraction never lasts long. For eg- this world. Every worldly thing attracts. But never lasts.
• when we think of different forms of love, we should understand that all these forms of love when combined together, when taken as a whole, would then be equivalent to how much the Almighty loves us.
Now apart from all these points we should understand that if we give our love undoubtedly, unboundedly, without expectations, to all of our relationships, in every way (meaning to say, to our parents, to our relatives, to our friends, to our special someone etc etc) then all the people involved would dissolve, n in the end, we would be able to understand, that in all these different forms, there was only one who was giving love to us, which is Almighty God. Its like, if we put together droplets of water, steam, ice n normal water, then we would see, that in the end, everything dissolves, only water remains, which in turn evaporates into air.Same ways all our relationships in the end dissolve into one Almighty.To understand this only, in olden ages people use to send their wards to gurukul, where all this kind of teachings were taught n a child was made ready to face the world, after understanding the basic concepts. Keeping all that apart, n talking in practical terms, one can easily understand that any relationship which breaks the natural flow of thoughts, which breaks the concentration from our lives to other things, actually depreciates our capabilities. N hence actually deteriorates our identities. This ways we are not only hurting ourselves, but also the Almighty who created us for some reason.
Maya is considered to be maha thagni. The reason is, as we know, there are three kind of character traits – rajogun, tamogun n satogun. While in rajogun, one is attracted towards maya due to “ichha” or “alasya” or expectations. While in tamogun, one is attracted due to bad habbits n addictions. N while in satogun, one is attracted due to the feeling of over confidence, or pride, or ahem. So however a person be, maya is always eligible to encapsulate one in its attractions.
“Seedhi baat hamesha seedhi baat hoti hai”. Theres no if n but in it. Theres no complexity in it. For eg- if your stomach is upset, it wont digest anything. Its clear n loud. Theres no if n but. This is how the creation of God is. Clear n transparent. Theres no complexity. It is how it is. N love is the same thing. Clear. Transparent. That is what its pure form is. Nothing hidden. Wherever anything hidden comes in, that means its not anymore pure.
This attraction towards depreciating things is ahenkar. Pride. When this feeling comes in love looses its purity. Also here one thing should be noted, that any pure n true relationship, is always true. There never comes any point of doubt, or complex situations. N if any relationship isn’t this way, then its never true. Its said, whats right is always right. Whats not, never was. This can only come when our belief in the Almighty is head strong. Any kind of psycho weakness, or depression is the result of lack of concentration, lack of understanding, n lack of satsang towards God. Satsang doesn’t only means reading some holy book. Satsang means walking on the path of truth, doing positive n good things, by which many are benefitted. Satsang means being in a company of good n true hearted people.
We always blame God for whatever is happening with us. We say God doesn’t do things for us. We just have to understand, that God has done everything for us. Its now our turn to do things for us. He has given us everything that we need for our self betterment. The thing is we just have to realize n work for our own betterment. But we still wait for God to do something for us.
Coming back to love, the only thing we should understand is, truth would always be truth, even if we don’t want it to be. A true relationship would always remain a true relationship, even if we don’t want it to be. True love never ends. If it ends, it never was true.
My trip to Bombay
I know that this article doesn’t relate to anyone. N I don’t even care what anyone has to say about it. I just wana write.
To be a bit extra adventurous, this time I planned my trip to the airport by public conveyance. This would mean going to Dhaula Kuan by bus, n then finding our conveyance from there to the airport. The best thing was, there were many things unknown. Like, for example, I had never seen Dhaula Kuan, n I didn’t know where to get down. Then, I didn’t have my printed itenary. I had to print it from the airport itself. Then, I didn’t have the card by which I booked my ticket. The rules n regulations said, I need to show it at the time of check in. Keeping all the unknown possibilities, we (my laptop bag, my hand bag n me) started on our journey.
I was finding it very interesting in the mean time to work on the documentary in Samyak. I had many future engagements coming up, many interesting new assignments already lined up for me. But then, God had plans for me to come to Mumbai.
My bus journey was very normalish. Nothing too new. Luckily I got down at Dhaula Kuan where my search for an auto started. After much bargaining I found one for 60 bucks till the airport. As we started, the driver started talking about why he should take 60, n not 40. Gradually while talking I came to know more about him. He was an 86 year old man, driving an auto since 1966. It made me feel, hes been driving auto even since I wasn’t born. What a long journey. I was really impressed by his smile. We were discussing the Indian system, n that there’s no positivity anywhere in the system, n yet he was looking so happy, so joyous. His teeth (original ones) showed no signs of tobacco or pan masala. N they seemed hard ones, though had gaps now. Whenever he used to smile, his tongue used to come out. When I got down, I just had a feeling to touch his feet, coz he was just like my own dadaji.
Then started my journey to Mumbai.
As soon as I entered the flight, there was such a beautiful hostess saying hello, I really lost my heart. I wished I was a bit more elder, n settled professionally..coz otherwise, I was just eligible to be her young friend. hehe..
Just after the flight got stable in the air, one of our co passengers, sitting in just the adjacent row fainted. As expected, the same hostess attended to him. She did her job well, as did the other crew members. After all they are all trained. But, lucky me, that I even got to see her emotional n caring side of character. She was also one of the “beautiful minds”. “Beautiful Mind” is the term I give to some people, who have extra ordinarily positive vibes. N not many have got that term by me. People like my Mom, my Mausi, Sanchita, Eshan, Shwahzeh, Nikki…n a few more may be, have got this compliment from me. I am very KANJOOS in spending this treasure of mine. Hehe.
Anyways, after thinking a lot, I thought I should at least give her some token of appreciation. I didn’t have a paper n pen. So I tore out the vomit bag, made a card of it, on top of which was made a smiley, n written thanks, n inside was a short n sweet poem. I don’t know whether she too appreciated it or not. When I was de-boarding, I walked out last, so that I could give her that token. But then, that stewart came in between. So pointing towards that hostess I handed that card to him, n said –“thanks, that’s for u”. They too replied as “thanks”. N I moved down.
On that card I wrote –
“I am not a flirt, not a forward kinda guy, n I am not witty
I justttttttttt want to appreciate, you are really pretty.
Aint I naughty?
Hehe.
ALL THE BEST.
Regards,
Seat 19 A
Del – Bom
Jet lite
22/01/09.”
To be a bit extra adventurous, this time I planned my trip to the airport by public conveyance. This would mean going to Dhaula Kuan by bus, n then finding our conveyance from there to the airport. The best thing was, there were many things unknown. Like, for example, I had never seen Dhaula Kuan, n I didn’t know where to get down. Then, I didn’t have my printed itenary. I had to print it from the airport itself. Then, I didn’t have the card by which I booked my ticket. The rules n regulations said, I need to show it at the time of check in. Keeping all the unknown possibilities, we (my laptop bag, my hand bag n me) started on our journey.
I was finding it very interesting in the mean time to work on the documentary in Samyak. I had many future engagements coming up, many interesting new assignments already lined up for me. But then, God had plans for me to come to Mumbai.
My bus journey was very normalish. Nothing too new. Luckily I got down at Dhaula Kuan where my search for an auto started. After much bargaining I found one for 60 bucks till the airport. As we started, the driver started talking about why he should take 60, n not 40. Gradually while talking I came to know more about him. He was an 86 year old man, driving an auto since 1966. It made me feel, hes been driving auto even since I wasn’t born. What a long journey. I was really impressed by his smile. We were discussing the Indian system, n that there’s no positivity anywhere in the system, n yet he was looking so happy, so joyous. His teeth (original ones) showed no signs of tobacco or pan masala. N they seemed hard ones, though had gaps now. Whenever he used to smile, his tongue used to come out. When I got down, I just had a feeling to touch his feet, coz he was just like my own dadaji.
Then started my journey to Mumbai.
As soon as I entered the flight, there was such a beautiful hostess saying hello, I really lost my heart. I wished I was a bit more elder, n settled professionally..coz otherwise, I was just eligible to be her young friend. hehe..
Just after the flight got stable in the air, one of our co passengers, sitting in just the adjacent row fainted. As expected, the same hostess attended to him. She did her job well, as did the other crew members. After all they are all trained. But, lucky me, that I even got to see her emotional n caring side of character. She was also one of the “beautiful minds”. “Beautiful Mind” is the term I give to some people, who have extra ordinarily positive vibes. N not many have got that term by me. People like my Mom, my Mausi, Sanchita, Eshan, Shwahzeh, Nikki…n a few more may be, have got this compliment from me. I am very KANJOOS in spending this treasure of mine. Hehe.
Anyways, after thinking a lot, I thought I should at least give her some token of appreciation. I didn’t have a paper n pen. So I tore out the vomit bag, made a card of it, on top of which was made a smiley, n written thanks, n inside was a short n sweet poem. I don’t know whether she too appreciated it or not. When I was de-boarding, I walked out last, so that I could give her that token. But then, that stewart came in between. So pointing towards that hostess I handed that card to him, n said –“thanks, that’s for u”. They too replied as “thanks”. N I moved down.
On that card I wrote –
“I am not a flirt, not a forward kinda guy, n I am not witty
I justttttttttt want to appreciate, you are really pretty.
Aint I naughty?
Hehe.
ALL THE BEST.
Regards,
Seat 19 A
Del – Bom
Jet lite
22/01/09.”
If only
if I die, what would I miss
I wud miss my Mom
She has me as the reason to live
She has her dreams in me
N not just like any other parent
She believes in me more than that
She harvest in me, the courage to live
She made me realize what life is
I see her as an epitome of love
As an ocean of true n eternal feelings
I wud miss my Dad
Who stood by me when I faltered
Who never said it in words, but loves me the most
Who saw his dreams in me
Who saw my childhood as his own lost childhood
Who sacrifices every little thing, so that I can enjoy life more
Who always wants to be my best friend, yet never finds courage to talk
In whom I see my greatest supporter
I wud miss my Baba Dadi
Who always consider me their own son
Who want me to get to the top position in life
Who includes me in prayers, even when I don’t respond
I wud miss my mausi n mausaji
Who taught me innumerable values in life
Who gave me rights of their own son
Who are spreading the message of oneness
Who have actually shown me the path to God
I wud miss my love, Sanchita
I wud miss the time that I spent with her
I wud miss the weirdest of things which we did
All the adventure, all the innovations we had
I wud miss the moments, when I was closest to my own self
She baught out the best in me
She made me become a man
I wud miss my life
Where I did so many mistakes knowingly
Where I faltered, but enjoyed faltering
Where my eyes cud see the world thru human eyes
I wud miss being a human..
I wud miss my Mom
She has me as the reason to live
She has her dreams in me
N not just like any other parent
She believes in me more than that
She harvest in me, the courage to live
She made me realize what life is
I see her as an epitome of love
As an ocean of true n eternal feelings
I wud miss my Dad
Who stood by me when I faltered
Who never said it in words, but loves me the most
Who saw his dreams in me
Who saw my childhood as his own lost childhood
Who sacrifices every little thing, so that I can enjoy life more
Who always wants to be my best friend, yet never finds courage to talk
In whom I see my greatest supporter
I wud miss my Baba Dadi
Who always consider me their own son
Who want me to get to the top position in life
Who includes me in prayers, even when I don’t respond
I wud miss my mausi n mausaji
Who taught me innumerable values in life
Who gave me rights of their own son
Who are spreading the message of oneness
Who have actually shown me the path to God
I wud miss my love, Sanchita
I wud miss the time that I spent with her
I wud miss the weirdest of things which we did
All the adventure, all the innovations we had
I wud miss the moments, when I was closest to my own self
She baught out the best in me
She made me become a man
I wud miss my life
Where I did so many mistakes knowingly
Where I faltered, but enjoyed faltering
Where my eyes cud see the world thru human eyes
I wud miss being a human..
Monday, January 19, 2009
yet again one is a nobody
living just to live
eating just to survive
moving on to a no mans custody
breathing heavily
tired of walking
there is a road leading to somewhere
not anywhere that one knows
the newness of things
the unfamiliar yet known atmosphere
the kind sympathetic unwanted response
n the irritating sweetness
theres a lot to learn
on this way one has to tread
being silent n calm
even when the waters roar to submerge everything existing..
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Maze maze me
Jab chale ham apni raah chunne
Tab pata nahi tha aisa bhi hoga
Badalte badalte zindagi ko
Badal gaye ham khud
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Socha tha ye karenge
Chaaha tha wo karenge
Par karne chale jab aakhri faisla
Faisle ne hame hi badal diya
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Aaj jab ham pahuche is maqam par
Nazar padi khwabo ki dukan par
Jab apna hi khwab bikta hua dikha
Kashm-kash manate reh gaye
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Haste hue,muskurate hue
Kadam pe kadam badhate hue
yu hi leh-lahate hue
Roz ek nayi zindagi jeete hain
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Jab wo aye
To kehna use
Ab hamne jeena seekh liya hai
Jeet lenge ham haar ko bhi
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Dekh le ab zamana bhi
Aata hai hame afsana banana bhi
Do patthar ki moorti toot gayi to kya
Ham mitti se paida kar denge nageena
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Tab pata nahi tha aisa bhi hoga
Badalte badalte zindagi ko
Badal gaye ham khud
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Socha tha ye karenge
Chaaha tha wo karenge
Par karne chale jab aakhri faisla
Faisle ne hame hi badal diya
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Aaj jab ham pahuche is maqam par
Nazar padi khwabo ki dukan par
Jab apna hi khwab bikta hua dikha
Kashm-kash manate reh gaye
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Haste hue,muskurate hue
Kadam pe kadam badhate hue
yu hi leh-lahate hue
Roz ek nayi zindagi jeete hain
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Jab wo aye
To kehna use
Ab hamne jeena seekh liya hai
Jeet lenge ham haar ko bhi
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Dekh le ab zamana bhi
Aata hai hame afsana banana bhi
Do patthar ki moorti toot gayi to kya
Ham mitti se paida kar denge nageena
Bas yu hi maze maze me
Thursday, January 15, 2009
something is tied on my eyes
my vision has dissolved in darkness
n my inner grumbles have deafened me
impairing me to get any cues around
my palms are madly grasping on the air
as if trying to cage it inside the fingers
trying to feel that warmth which they felt before
craving for that feeling of sweat when they rubbed
against hers
but that light is no more there
that feeling has turned cold
calmness turned to bitterness
n the path to eternity not anymore smooth
there are ditches now
n some spikes laid too
my bare feet fears to walk
my naked rough dried skin trembling of cold
n yet there are ages left
i have to go on
to fulfill the promise i made
when i started this journey in "a womb"
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
13th january 2005
My exams were still on. N i couldnt forget her innocense n chirpiness that i felt in her on the new year, which i spent with her in rishikesh, when we first met. I missed her, n wanted to get in touch with her. I saw her a few days back at home. She came for some accupressure. I knew that she wasnt well. N wasnt sure whether she would come on the Lohri celebrations or not. But just when i stepped down, i saw her, n nearly drowsed in her looks. She looked so beautiful in that pink suit n punjabi jooti. I always used to like people in salwar suits. Theres a different kind of attachment i have with salwar suits, as my mom always wore the same. I know its funny, but then, thats what i am no.
We had a great time at the party. I was in full mood. Pulling leg, some bad PJs, lots n lots of dance etc etc. It was one of the best days of celebrations ive ever had.
I had written a mail to her, just portraying my feelings to her, of becoming good friends. But havent got any reply lately. So i asked while leaving, "did u check ur mail?" . My heart beat actually skipped, to be so bold n blunt first time, eagerly waiting for her reply. I still remember how she took care of the situation, n asked me, "is there anything u wana discuss?". I just shied away. N she as usual said, " its ok, whenever u feel like, i am there to share". I guess this was the thing which made me even more eager to talk to her, to get close to her, to know her more better.
I knew somehow that she would go online for sure to check my mail. Just after returning home, i sat to surf. N yes, as expected, she was there. Finally, we met online, first time. The chat started normally. A bit of leg pulling, some talks about choices n life, n some discussions about spiritual beliefs. We somehow knew, that we are different. In the mean time, Eshan, continously sat beside me, watching keenly, n waiting for something to happen. Gradually time ticked on. Around 3.30, i finally gathered up courage, to let her know that i had some special feelings for her. But just when i started, she took over the lead, n went on with something more pure than what even i was thinking. She names our relationship as AGAPE. I still remember that moment. It actually felt like im flying in heaven. I felt so cold, yet so warm. It was just an extra ordinary feeling. I knew, i love her.
I told her the song which was going on in my mind. "Socha nahi, achha bura, dekha suna, kuchh bhi nahi, Maanga khuda se raat din, tere siwa, kuchh bhi nahi..". What a beautiful moment it was.
Then we decided, that we would develop our relationship. We decided to tell our parents, the first thing. So, before mausi could wake up in the morning, i was standing beside her bed. It was obvious not to sleep the whole night, waiting for the first rays of the sun, to finally make it official. I still remember how madly i trembled due to fear, as well as cold, when i was about to tell mausi, what i have done. As expected, mausi was elated to hear the news. The first thing that she told was, develop this relationship now that u have time. Make this bond stronger.
What a night it was. I still remember n cherish.
Though the circumstances are now not the same. Still there are some burnt images, which still remains. I still hum the song "socha nahi, achha bura..."..
still that feeling, of cold n fear, resides in me. Still, every line that i wrote, every feeling that i experienced is there intact inside me. Still, AGAPE remains untampered.
N still, God is watching us, n guiding us, through the right ways of life.
We had a great time at the party. I was in full mood. Pulling leg, some bad PJs, lots n lots of dance etc etc. It was one of the best days of celebrations ive ever had.
I had written a mail to her, just portraying my feelings to her, of becoming good friends. But havent got any reply lately. So i asked while leaving, "did u check ur mail?" . My heart beat actually skipped, to be so bold n blunt first time, eagerly waiting for her reply. I still remember how she took care of the situation, n asked me, "is there anything u wana discuss?". I just shied away. N she as usual said, " its ok, whenever u feel like, i am there to share". I guess this was the thing which made me even more eager to talk to her, to get close to her, to know her more better.
I knew somehow that she would go online for sure to check my mail. Just after returning home, i sat to surf. N yes, as expected, she was there. Finally, we met online, first time. The chat started normally. A bit of leg pulling, some talks about choices n life, n some discussions about spiritual beliefs. We somehow knew, that we are different. In the mean time, Eshan, continously sat beside me, watching keenly, n waiting for something to happen. Gradually time ticked on. Around 3.30, i finally gathered up courage, to let her know that i had some special feelings for her. But just when i started, she took over the lead, n went on with something more pure than what even i was thinking. She names our relationship as AGAPE. I still remember that moment. It actually felt like im flying in heaven. I felt so cold, yet so warm. It was just an extra ordinary feeling. I knew, i love her.
I told her the song which was going on in my mind. "Socha nahi, achha bura, dekha suna, kuchh bhi nahi, Maanga khuda se raat din, tere siwa, kuchh bhi nahi..". What a beautiful moment it was.
Then we decided, that we would develop our relationship. We decided to tell our parents, the first thing. So, before mausi could wake up in the morning, i was standing beside her bed. It was obvious not to sleep the whole night, waiting for the first rays of the sun, to finally make it official. I still remember how madly i trembled due to fear, as well as cold, when i was about to tell mausi, what i have done. As expected, mausi was elated to hear the news. The first thing that she told was, develop this relationship now that u have time. Make this bond stronger.
What a night it was. I still remember n cherish.
Though the circumstances are now not the same. Still there are some burnt images, which still remains. I still hum the song "socha nahi, achha bura..."..
still that feeling, of cold n fear, resides in me. Still, every line that i wrote, every feeling that i experienced is there intact inside me. Still, AGAPE remains untampered.
N still, God is watching us, n guiding us, through the right ways of life.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Life..
I have lived my life. Even if it was a dream, ive loved. Ive given my best to my love. I have loved to the most. Even if I failed, I have fulfilled my dream. It was the best part of my life, even if people say that I was crazy. I feel I am crazy now, not then. Being in love, is a different feeling. A feeling when I can share everything with someone. When every moment, I can feel that presence of someone who is actually backing me, supporting me, n driving me. I have felt that unboundedness. That freedom. I have felt that “passion”, that “intense purity” which is unimaginable. I have lived my real life in my love. N no matter what, im happy now. I have loved.
Monday, January 12, 2009
so what do i do now
my eyes dont seem to get back to normal
the wetness lingers on
my hurt dont seem to heal
the heart still beats though
what do i do
to overcome these pinching memories
these unstoppable thoughts
which overcrowds my mind
i see u in people
i feel u in places
i hear u in songs
n yet, i cant tell you what i feel
i cant make all those wrongs to right again
what do i do
what do i do of those millions of words unsaid
of those unattended observations
of those un-sensed feelings
that i could never portray to you
what do i do of this restless pain
which keeps on resurfacing again n again
having one last wish
to tell you what i am
in the end..
nothing matters..nobody cares
life just moves on..
Saturday, January 10, 2009
importance..
In my life right now, there are things i am sad about. There are things, which are incomplete n making me restless. I am yearning for certain expectations which are unfulfilled. N this is what causes the importance of certain things in life. As we would move on, we would realize, that those things which hold importance to me now, wouldnt hold importance to me later. Those things for which i am getting so stressed, so low, so restless, are actually not going to be there in a matter of moments. Then why do we give importance to these things. Then why do we create so much hype n ballyhoo. If we think of this, before we get affected by a problem, or caught in web of vicious expectations, we can actually live our lives to a much higher level of satisfaction n joyfulness.
So now to conclude, an insight that i got is :
Lets not give importance to certain things. Lets just live life as it comes, n when it comes. Lets just take everything slowly, gradually n mindfully. Lets absorb, think, n reflect on our own feelings.
This way we would not only live our lives in a better way, but also, in turn, would affect our surroundings..
So now to conclude, an insight that i got is :
Lets not give importance to certain things. Lets just live life as it comes, n when it comes. Lets just take everything slowly, gradually n mindfully. Lets absorb, think, n reflect on our own feelings.
This way we would not only live our lives in a better way, but also, in turn, would affect our surroundings..
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
sometimes i dont wana be
n the other times, people dont let me be
sometimes i just give up
n the other times i have to give up
sometimes i just think
n the other times, i dont have a choice other than to think
But there were times, that i lived for myself
Times when i came to know who i am
When i too had a free will
When times just walked n i ran
Time is our God
It can make us do anything, or nothing
N we r faithful dogs
Who depend on it for everything without ever barking or biting
I have watched time tick on doing nothing
I have been helpless to its perturbing
N here it continues..
n the other times, people dont let me be
sometimes i just give up
n the other times i have to give up
sometimes i just think
n the other times, i dont have a choice other than to think
But there were times, that i lived for myself
Times when i came to know who i am
When i too had a free will
When times just walked n i ran
Time is our God
It can make us do anything, or nothing
N we r faithful dogs
Who depend on it for everything without ever barking or biting
I have watched time tick on doing nothing
I have been helpless to its perturbing
N here it continues..
Monday, January 5, 2009
chinky
She came to our house sometime in 1996. The upper story of our house was newly constructed. I remember what a struggle it was to bring all family members to a consensus to keep her. We had had dogs before too, but everyone was scared of emotional attachment again. But her innocence n cuteness, bought her in. She used to be a darling. Anyone entering our house, couldnt keep eyes off her. She was a beautiful young baby. She used to get so happy, so so happy when we returned back home, that she jumped from one sofa to another, as if dunno what has happened. She bought a smile to everyone's face on returning home. Some times she even used to fall with a thud, while doing this. Once when she was jumping, she took a wrong angle, n broke her elbow. I still remember how she screamed of pain. When we held her, she was shouting for help, n to not to touch her elbow at all. We took her to hospital, n the doc plastered her hand with a piece of scale. I remember how madly she was pampered after that. She was so much spoilt that She actually forgot to sleep on her own bed. Every day, she used to jump in, in my blanket, or chachas razai, n sleep hugging us. It was so much fun to be woken up by someone actually licking ur face in the morning. Hehe. Every week she had to be plastered, so we instead of going to the doctor, started doing it ourselves. I still remember once, the scale that we used to plaster, slashed her elbow n penetrated in. It was a painful moment. This time there was a permanent hard plaster. Time moved on, she got well, started running normally n jumping normally. But she was so used to pampering, that this habbit of hers lasted for ever. Unlike others, she never used to shout at visitors n guest. Instead, she used to wag n move so joyously that everyone developed a sense of love for her, n used to pat her, or show affection to her. N she enjoyed it to the most. She never missed an opportunity, to be loved n soothed. I still remember, whenever i used to sit idle, doing nothing, but thinking, she used to come n sit infront of me n stare, until i started rubbing in between her eyes. N she used to close her eyes n feel that intense moment to its most. Sometime later she started giving birth to babies. I remember there used to be a line of friends who used to want a puppy. It was so lovely to play with those puppies. N it was so painful to part with the. Hehe. Our generations kept on increasing. Cuty came. She was indeed so cute that we couldnt part with her. Then came Tuffy. He actually was kept for someone very close to us, but then no one came to take him, so he stayed with us. N this way, we had generations of chinky at our home. As she grew up with years, she started becoming lean n thin, n less hairy as she was before. But her habit of getting pampered, mind you, still continued. She was there in all the main functions of our family. She was the senior most member of our special family. Her love for Mili n MIshti was undoubted. In her own ways, she used to tell, that she loved everyone a lot. I still remember, till just a few days back, she used to come in my room, n hide in my razai chupke se. N i used to cover her properly.
Yesterday was the last day of her life. She was not well since past few days. It was due to cold i guess. N instead of sitting in her cozy bed, she used to sleep on the terrace. We still used to cover her with the old carpets, n some of Mishtis old clothes. But i guess she knew, that she wont stay long. She had stopped eating. Her eyes were going into depression visibly. We even bought her food that she would have loved, but she didnt eat. Yesterday,since morning, she was down, in the living room. I felt may be she was getting better. But now i realize, may be she just wanted to be with everyone in her last few hours. It was in the eve, when i thought, let me pamper her a bit. When i started rubbing her face, she tried moved herself backwards, but her hands n feets were jammed. I took her in my arms, n called everyone close. Papa came, n we started dropping warm milk inside her mouth with the help of a cotton. Her face was lying in my palm. N i was continuously rubbing her back, to give her warmth. She was silent n still. N then she suddenly started wagging her tail. It seemed as if shes trying hard to wag. Then she started making sounds, as if crying, calling someone. She started moving, as if she doesnt want to die. N then she was just still. Lying in my palm. Eyes stationary. Some drops of milk coming our through her nose. She was dead.
I never saw papa getting weak, or crying. Yesterday, we all cried. She was an important member of our family. Sensible, Beautiful, Trustworthy n too loving.
I miss you Chinky. Wherever you are, I just pray, that you get a beautiful life.
Love from every one.
the concept "love"
Its such an irony, that every human being, bole to every boy n girl at some time or the other, in life, finds a soulmate, who he/she considers to be the best human alive. a boy considers the girl he found to be an angel, right from heaven, or Gods own daughter, n the girl considers the boy she found, as God Himself. Huh. N as the distances decrease, as the girl n boy get to know each other, the relationship ends up just to be humane. hehe. Dog biting, bitching, cursing, pointing out flaws, expectations n what not.
N the best part, that everyone experiences this atleast once in a lifetime. Shuru shuru me even families are kept away, as if two different parts of same souls have united. Then these same souls, gradually drift so much apart that leave along choices, even understanding doesnt match. What a relationship love is.
But yes, i must admit, some do get their love of lives. But between them theres nothing such as expectations or flaws or choices or anything. When this kind of lovers meet, they dont meet to love each other, they meet to love people around them. They meet for a purpose in life, which is far beyond what normal humans can understand.
But those who fail in love, try again. N they keep on trying, till eventually they understand, n they rise up, to a different level of understanding of love. Where nothing actually matters. Where just two lives live together, to make peace and harmony around them. Nothing else. No physical intention, no mental support. Just sole reason of being together, n sharing the harmony.
I wonder when i would come out with this kind of thinking. True love, Ideal relationship, Husband n wife before marriage...etc etc..When is it going to end for me? When would i realize the real love. "The love of God".
N the best part, that everyone experiences this atleast once in a lifetime. Shuru shuru me even families are kept away, as if two different parts of same souls have united. Then these same souls, gradually drift so much apart that leave along choices, even understanding doesnt match. What a relationship love is.
But yes, i must admit, some do get their love of lives. But between them theres nothing such as expectations or flaws or choices or anything. When this kind of lovers meet, they dont meet to love each other, they meet to love people around them. They meet for a purpose in life, which is far beyond what normal humans can understand.
But those who fail in love, try again. N they keep on trying, till eventually they understand, n they rise up, to a different level of understanding of love. Where nothing actually matters. Where just two lives live together, to make peace and harmony around them. Nothing else. No physical intention, no mental support. Just sole reason of being together, n sharing the harmony.
I wonder when i would come out with this kind of thinking. True love, Ideal relationship, Husband n wife before marriage...etc etc..When is it going to end for me? When would i realize the real love. "The love of God".
once again my friend, night, has come. lonely n destitute. killing silence with the unspoken words. just a bit of dim moon light.some sounds of moving vehicles nearby. n echoing solitude.
once again, those who assured of strength have left. once again, there r insights which have n number of questions and 0 answers. once again i am unable to decide between wrong n right. once again im just counting on my heart to tell me where to go, rather than my brains. n once again im paving way to get into that black hole.
once again, those who assured of strength have left. once again, there r insights which have n number of questions and 0 answers. once again i am unable to decide between wrong n right. once again im just counting on my heart to tell me where to go, rather than my brains. n once again im paving way to get into that black hole.
Friday, January 2, 2009
a nice song
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Main to na chala tha do kad bhi tum bin
Phir bhi mera bachpan yehi samjhe har din
Chhod ke mujhe bhala ab kahan jaoge tum
Chhod ke mujhe bhala ab kahan jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Baaton kabhi haathon se bhi maara hai tumhein
Sada yehi kehki hi pukaara hai tumhein
Kya kar loge mera jo bigad jaoge tum
Kya kar loge mera jo bigad jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Dekho mere aansoo yehi karte hain pukaar
Aao chale aao mere bhai mere yaar
Poochne aansoo mere kya nahin aaoge tum
Poochne aansoo mere kya nahin aaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Main to na chala tha do kad bhi tum bin
Phir bhi mera bachpan yehi samjhe har din
Chhod ke mujhe bhala ab kahan jaoge tum
Chhod ke mujhe bhala ab kahan jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Baaton kabhi haathon se bhi maara hai tumhein
Sada yehi kehki hi pukaara hai tumhein
Kya kar loge mera jo bigad jaoge tum
Kya kar loge mera jo bigad jaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Dekho mere aansoo yehi karte hain pukaar
Aao chale aao mere bhai mere yaar
Poochne aansoo mere kya nahin aaoge tum
Poochne aansoo mere kya nahin aaoge tum
Ye na socha tha kabhi itna yaad aaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin jab chale jaoge tum
Rooth ke humse kahin
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year
Time again has gone by. Again a new set of time has arrived. We the spectators, can just sit n watch as time plays with our lives. It would make us happy, it would make us sad. N we fools, would continue getting trapped. In the end, some might feel successful, n some might feel lost. Never realizing that its only the time, which has won or lost. We are just a part of the trick.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
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